Parentsnet Plus

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 7:34 pm

Firstly, I must stress that I have been a step parent once, to one child, my step daughter. A lot of what I say below therefore applies more to an older child than a toddler (i.e; my step daughter was 8 years old when I became “step mum”, and is now 15) Here is my advice to becoming a good step parent, based upon my own experiences:

The becoming a step parent is akin to becoming a natural parent, but there are a few important differences that I’ve learned matter a lot. For one thing, it happens pretty quickly - one minute you’re single, the next minute you are surrounded by children in varying stages of development. There’s no slowly growing into your role or nine months of anticipation.

Here’s a few of the other things I’ve learned by being a step parent. Of course, this is by no means a complete list - anyone with children knows that the second you think you’ve got things down, everything changes. But I do have a great relationship with my step daughter, something I really hadn’t expected.

Be a Parent.
Act responsibly, be there for the kids when they need you, share their joys and sorrows with them, build them up as much as you can, help them with their homework, offer advice, explain how things work, organize their day, and so on - all the things you’d do if you were their actual parent. And do that knowing that you probably won’t get much attention or appreciation for it, because it’s the right thing to do.

Don’t talk down to them.
One of my rules in life is “never talk down to children or animals”. I tended to use the same vocabulary around my step daughter I use in the rest of my life (though I make sure to define or explain things that are clearly above her head). Involve the kids in decisions, let them know what you’re doing each day, and just generally treat them as equals in conversation.

Listen.
You’re in this together, you and your step children - both of you have to work out the whole step relationship thing, and it’s not easy. So make sure you listen and respond to their concerns. Don’t ever think you have nothing to learn from them - chances are, they’ll figure this stuff out faster than you and can show you a thing or two about being a step parent.

Can’t Buy Me Love
Don’t try to win them over with gifts, trips to the amusement park, or whatever. First of all, most kids are pretty savvy and will end up using your over-eagerness to manipulate you; second of all, you’ll rest your relationship on a foundation that you can’t possibly keep up - eventually you’ll run out of gifts to give and they’ll start resenting you.

Share
Be open about your life, career, likes and dislikes, and interests — and make an effort to learn about theirs. Take part in their activities and involve them in yours. Not only will you find some common ground to connect on, but you’ll be able to take part in their development as people, which is what this is all about.

And, finally, forgive. Forgive them for being difficult, forgive biological mum/dad for not always lending you a hand when you’re lost, forgive their friends for not understanding your new place in your kids’ home, and most of all, forgive yourself. You are going to make a lot of mistakes, just like I did. Accept that you and everyone else involved will experience failures - learn from them and move on, so you can embrace the joys and rewards of becoming a great step parent.